K City :: a comic strip

'Holy class ring, this place is douchebag central. I'm going to have to shut my eyes tight not to see any more douchebaggery. Damn it, I can still hear all their douchebag talk. Guess I'll need to cover my ears. Maybe if I don't have to hear or see them I can just have a nice dr... GOOD GOD YOU PEOPLE SMELL LIKE DOUCHEBAGS TOO!'

'Hi.''Hi.''Can I buy you a drink?'''Can I buy YOU a drink?''Oh wow. I don't usually... well, ok, then. My name is Jake, what's yours?''Oh wow. I don't usually... well, ok, then. My name is Jake, what's yours?''Quite possibly your most immature rejection ever.''Whatever, poopyhead.'

Listen, tonight has been great, but before this goes any further I need to ask you an important question. On a scale from 1 to 5, with 1 being 'she's cool and totally already married to someone else' and 5 being 'she's going to wait for you outside my apartment,' how psycho is your ex-girlfriend?

'What happened to your arm?''My wh– oh, I chewed it off.''You chewed your arm off.''This guy, he would NOT leave me alone. And i had just seen a nature show about how animals in the wild do that to free themselves from a trap. It was my only way out.''Worst date ever?''sigh... I wish.'

'Who, me? I'm kind of in between things right now... Yeah, at this point I'm really taking a break from the whole corporate world, just focusing on finding myself, you know... 2-for-1 night? Looks like you're getting a drink! WHEN WILL THIS RECESSION BE OVER?

'I feel like I know from somewhere.' 'Maybe.' 'Are you one Carey's friend?' 'Yes.' 'Were you at her birthday party?' 'Yes. Were you?' 'No.' 'Facebook stalker.'

Nice suit. Shut up. Interview? Laundry day.

Whoa, why the running?''I... had something to tell you!''Oh no here we go.''Our circle of friends has no love triangles because they're all so square!''K, please. Stop.''Come on, give me something about rectangles... quick!

The deal was, you'd buy me a drink for every 80s song I quoted in my letter breaking up with my ex-boyfriend.' 'Right. That's why the last four drinks were on me.' 'But did you see this part? 'Maybe it's better this way...'' ''...we only hurt each other with the things we wanna say.' 'I'll be damned. 'Careless Whisper?' 'Another martini here, please!'

'Can I buy you a drink?' 'No.' 'Why not?' 'You're ugly and annoying.' 'What if I bought you eight drinks? 'That would take care of the 'ugly' issue.' 'So, can I?' 'Not until they invent beer goggles for the ears.'

'K is thirsty! K is now listed as single!''What's going on with that girl?''She's speaking Facebook. It'll pass, it always does.''K just took the 'how well do you know B' quiz and the result was 'shut up!''

'weren't you supposed to be at a wedding right now?' 'yeah, I just ran away before they -- oh come ON' 'what?' 'there's no one left!' 'I don't want it!'

'that was a great long weekend.' 'you said it. I've been gone from work so long I think I've lost track of what day it is. good thing this bar has daily specials.' 'here you go, that will be four dollars.' 'huh, how about that -- tuesday.'

What's funny? I gave the bartender my card, you know, so I could open a tab, and he says, 'it's a ten dollar minimum on credit cards.' He has no idea who he's dealing with, does he? He has no clue.

Why the long face? Your friend K shot me down before I could say a word. Yeah, that was a pre-emptive rejection. She does that. Does this happen often? Yes. She calls them 'prejections.' It's kind of her thing, prejecting guys. I get it. You got prejected. Please leave.

look who's here. it's your milf. actually, i don't call her that anymore? no, for real? what happened? well... ohmygod. she's a mif now, isn't she? you dog you.

you're my friend. right. so you, of all people, know how smart, fun, and so on... i am. so you should be telling me to be more picky about the guys i date. No, girls with low standards make for much better stories. Cartoonists make the worst friends.

so that's what happened? yeah. well, i told you so.<br />remember when you were saying she was like all the women in your life were an ipod, and she was an ipod shuffle? i thought it made me sound romantic. i thought it made her sound bipolar. yeah, you called it.

So... did it hurt when you fell from the sky? A pick-up line? A PICK-UP FRIGGIN' LINE? You're cute, though. Start over: Hi. Hi. MUCH better.

'Yeah, he left a few messages, but I don't think I'll return them. I don't think you'll have to, he's walking through the door right now...... Just testing your reflexes. Pretty good after five vodkas.'

Did I tell you my sister is now an orange belt in karate? Big deal. My ex-girlfriend Lizzie is a black belt in taekwondo. Wow. Was she a black belt when you two were dating? Are you kidding me? Can you imagine trying to break up with a black belt in anything? So, did you tell her how you feel? Yes. And how did she react? Pretty well.

Chicks dig me. And when they don't, it's like they say, 'there's plenty of fish in the sea.' And I don't want to make out with a trout, you know what I'm saying? LOL. Trout is a freshwater fish. There's plenty of fish in the sea.

I still remember perfectly the day my parents told me Santa Claus wasn't real. I wasn't mad. All I wanted to know was whether I'd still get the presents I asked for. So you don't care this chick's boobs are obviously fake? That's what I'm trying to tell you. Now can you please get out of my Facebook?

Uh oh, here comes Julie. Don't say anything funny --Why? Is she the one with the annoying laugh? --Ohmygod, it's like I'm walking into a comic strip! Heeeheeehahaha! --What do we talk about? Cancer? Religion? Politics? --Politics. But you start sounding anything like The Daily Show and I swear I'm leaving.

K and B have breakfast: This is some good bacon -- whoa. You're wearing cologne? --I, uh, uhhh... --And you're never this dressed up for work! --I have a dentist appointment at 10. --The dental assistant?! B, you're shameless.

B, look who's messing with your phone. --I know. It's fine. --I told her my ex-girlfriend got engaged this week, and she wrestled it out of my hands. --Done! --'Contact is erased.' --It's for your own good, drunk-dially.

B, you look frustrated. --It's nothing. It’s just… K was here and she said she started taking pole dancing classes. --Wow that joke should write itself, shouldn’t it? -- I know!

Wow, look at that girl’s skin. --Looks airbrushed. --Nice boobs, too. --Photoshopped.--Do graphic designers have trouble finding dates? --You have no idea.

I think I found out where the term 'blind date' comes from. -- Really? --Yeah. My co-workers set me up with guys who are so ugly, they make me wish I was blind. -- You know, the last girl I got set up with wouldn't stop talking about American Idol. It was two hours of Randy this, Kelly that... --A deaf date(tm)! --Hey it's my story; I'm copywriting that.

K, I need to ask... Don't you have any other friends? --Of course I do. --Then why are you always hanging out with B? --I'll show you. --B, say the first thing that comes to you when you hear the word 'Maneater'. --That badass Hall & Oates song. --I would have said that Nelly Furtado one. -- Exactly. Plus everyone else is already married.

B., did you really ask the girl from the x-ray place out? --Sure did. You’d figure she, of all people, would know that beauty is on the inside. --That was awful. How did it go, though? --She said ‘sorry, i sort of have a boyfriend.’ why do you girls do that? Either you have a boyfriend or you don’t. What’s with this ‘sort of’ crap? --Maybe she sort of thought you were an idiot, and sort of wanted to let you down easy. Sort of. --Maybe you are sort of buying your own drinks tonight.

Excuse me, are you Sandy? --Yes. --Yes?! I-I'm Mark! -- Hey Mark! -- Wow, you look different than what I expected! --Really? Man, wait until you see my penis then. -- Fine, so I like ruining people's blind dates. Sue me. --K, Match.com is on the phone and they sound PISSED.

We need to celebrate our 100th comic strip! Drinks are on me tonight. -- Oh no, I can't get drunk here. Yeah, but I found out my mom reads the strip. --How come you're still drinking, then? -- Oh, but it's a screwdriver. From far away they look like plain orange juice. NUTRITIOUS ORANGE JUICE.

B, do you think we'll ever learn from our mistakes? --I think so. At least from the small ones. The big ones I'll draw a comic strip about, so that maybe other people will learn from them. --Oooh! Oooh! Draw one about how only idiots get into long distance relationships! --Fine, when I'm done with this one about consecutive irish car bombs.

Why do married people keep doing all they can to see us single people settling down? --Dunno. Eeech! Dude, this drink tastes like crap! Try it! Hehe... Isn't it funny how people are always doing this? 'Wow, this smells rotten! Here, smell it too!' People are so weird... -- Thanks for answering my question in the longest way possible. -- No prob.

So like I was saying... -- BRB. -- We're not IMing, you know. -- Right. -- Also, you didn't go anywhere. -- Is that what that means? I thought it was just something you said when the conversation got boring.

Did she bring your tab? --Yeah. Hey, what's 150% of $22? --Hold on... $33. But if you're trying to figure out her tip, most of us here would ask what 15% of $22 is. 20%, maybe. --No, it's fine. --Hehe, it's always funny when you get a crush on the bartender. --Not tonight, it isn't. Do you have 25 bucks I can borrow?

I bought a gun. From now on, every time someone asks me, 'you're so smart and pretty, how come you don't have a a boyfriend?,' I'm going to shoot in the FACE. --Don't you think that's a litt... hold on, is that your family walking in? --Crap! Hide behind the bar and cover your ears. This is going to suck.

Hello? What are you doing tonight? --When I woke up this morning, I felt like I would be meeting the man of my dreams, someone I could have a mental connection with, a guy who was made for me. --Sounds fun. Want to go to a bar instead?

Hey, what do you think of my friend Rob? Because he's engaged. --Shh! --K, we can't observe a moment of silence EVERY TIME we run into someone who's no longer single. --It sure beats your dum-dum-dum dudududum-dudum. --Come on, Another One Bites the Dust! It's a classic!

Hey, you're back already? You said, 'I'm going over there to talk to that cute girl' like, fifteen seconds ago.' --Right, we didn't really have much to talk about. --Hi, I'm B. --Hi, I'm married.

See, at our age, when everyone is already taken, you need to really watch for body language. For example, that chick may LOOK like she's scratching her head, but what's she's really doing is showing there's no ring on her left hand. --So, do you think you might go over th... wait, who's that? --Ok, so maybe her head was scratchy after all. --Whoa, people, get a room.

Hey B, remember that girl you used to have a crush on? --The flawless one? --Right. Remember how you said the only way you'd stop crushing on her would be if you could find a big flaw in her? -- But she's perfect! --What if I said she was here... in a miniskirt? --Oh thanks. Like seeing her half-naked isn't going to make things worse! --Trust me, you should go say hi to her. She's sitting right over there. --Fine. But if you're making fun of me I'll get you when I'm back. --I never thought I'd say this, but... Viva cellulite.

So, your friend Emma... tell me more about her. --What do you want to know? --Oh, you know, what she does for a living, where you two met, what she's like, what kind of... --She has a boyfriend. --Thanks. --For not wasting fifteen minutes of your night? Oh, you're welcome.

We need another one of these 'let's get trashed' kinds of holidays. New Year's Eve and St. Patrick's Day have passed. Then after tonight we have to wait six and a half months more until Thanksgiving. --Wait, I don't think you can call Thanksgiving a get trashed holiday. --You've obviously never met my family.

Let's say you were stuck on a desert island forever. Would you want to be there with a super hot dumb guy or someone smart who makes you laugh, entertains you, but you just can't get attracted to? --Are there agave plants in this particular island? --What? The ones you make tequila from?-- Yeah. Because in that case, I could go with the ugly dude, and then learn to ferment those so the two of us could do shots. --So that he would start looking good and you could have sex with him. --First, it's a biological need. Second, like you've never done it before.

So I hear you and Pete hooked up. --Oh god, it went so not as planned. All night long, every time my body said 'yes,' my head said 'no.' My body would say 'yes, come on,' and my head would say 'no no no.' --But you still ended up having sex with him. --What can I say, my body is pretty persuasive.

Do you remember Jim? --Wow, now that you mention it, yeah. He used to hang out with us all the time but I haven't seen him forever. What happened there? --Oh, he found a girlfriend, started spending his time with her non-stop, stopped going out... you know how it goes. Anyway, she just broke up with him. --To tell you the truth, I never really liked hanging out with the guy. --Me neither. That's why I'm going over there to try to patch things up between the two.

Bad hair day. Hiding from someone.Costume party after this. Need it for a magic trick. Roots are showing. --I just felt like it, ok?! --Sitting under a leak.

This weekend I'm meeting meet the parents of this girl I'm seeing. You see, that's why I've always liked to date foreign exchange students: I never get to see their parents in person. --I thought it was because foreigners were better kissers. --Well, and that. --No offense. --None taken.

A guy once wrote a song for me. I used to inspire the artsy kids in school to write poems about my body. I have a comic strip about me, for crying out loud. And this guy can't even put a veiled reference about sleeping with me on his blog??? Come on!

Do you think bloggers open themselves up too much?<br />--I think it kind of depends on the blogger. Some of them can write about pretty personal stuff, yes. --This guy wrote about what he had for breakfast today. --And details of his workout this morning. This guy clearly sees every little thing as something to blog about. --So why has he written nothing about us sleeping together last night?!

Every once in a while I'll try to write a strip about a particular topic. Knowing that I was going to be featured in a Kansas City Star article about bloggers in the city, I've had this one (and a possible sequel) ready for when the article came out.

And it's in the paper today. To get some of my thoughts on why and how I blog these comic strips, read "Meet the Bloggers" online or pick up a copy of the Star today (it's in the front page of the FYI section).

Did you go to the St. Patrick's Day parade? --No, I don't really get parades. It always looks like they're a lot more fun to the people in them than to the ones just watching. --Finally, a guy who understand how girls feel about porn!

Do you remember my friend Bobby? He wants to take you out to dinner. --Ooh, I don't know B. He's really really really short. Really really really. --Ouch, that hurt.

B, what's the first thing you notice on a girl? Hmmn... the eyes. That's correct. Wait, how can there be a correct answer to that? Well, you need to make sure she's not looking at you so she doesn't catch you when you stare at her rack. That makes little sens... Hey, buddy! My eyes are right here!'

Hey, K, how's your ex-boyfriend doing? -- Oh, nothing ever changes with that guy. He still calls me

So when are you trading your tickets in with Sara? You helped the girl get a job, you found her tickets to last night's show... by now you have quite a bunch of Sara points that you should trade in for a little something-something. Unless you're saving them so you can trade them in later for a bigger something-something. -- So you're saying life is one big Chuck E. Cheese? -- No, just relationships.

So, do you know what you'll be doing for Valentine's Day yet? --Yeah, remember that night we took eighteen different shots? --I remember the first five. --Right. But then do you remember that I barfed for 24 hours straight the next day? --Sure, but what does that have to do with anything? --That second part. Because that's what I'll be doing all day on Valentines Day.

You know, I think that my chances of finding a girl that I'll settle down with and grow old by are decreasing with every day that passes. --Oh don't say that. I'm sure there's plenty of people looking for that all over town as we speak. --Are you sure? --Yeah --Then lower your stupid voice, one of them might see us here.

Ok I'm going over to talk to your friend over there. --Mention the fact you play guitar. --That's what you said I should tell your friend Carlie. -- No, with that one you have to talk about all the places you've been. Guys... They think they need a wingman when what they REALLY need is a caddy.

B, do you miss your ex-girlfriend? --Of course, she's the last girl I've been in love with. --Whatever. In the last two years I've seen you fall in love with 300 women. --Oh, falling in love I do every day. Now, BEING in love, that's different. --You know, your English is pretty good and everything, but sometimes it's hard to hide the fact you're Latin American. --300.

And when I turned around, she was totally making out w... Hold on. Grab your coat. Zee is on his way here. --Who the hell is Zee? Wait, is he the guy who wears too much cologne? --Yes. Go on, close your tab. He's looking for a parking spot right now.

Did you make any new year's resolutions for 2007? --Oh yeah: drink lots of champagne, dance like no one's watching, and bring home a younger guy or two. --Aren't those all things you did at your new year's eve party? -Yup. I tell you, the sense of accomplishment feels great. Hey, bring in 2008.

Well, I've been naughty this year. I made out with my boss' son at our holiday office party. I'm regifting the condoms my ex-boyfriend gave me for my birthday. --No. --Oh fine. I get turned on by reindeer. --THANK YOU! Now that's the kind of Christmas strip I'm looking for.'

So what happened to that girl you had a crush on? --I told her how I felt about her. I figured even if she wouldn't go out with me I'd at least have something to write a comic strip about. --And how did that go? --I'm going to guess 'not well.'

Yes she did. K now has her own MySpace profile. Check out her profile and add her as a friend. I’m sure she’ll enjoy it. Plus you may get to find blog entries and new strips there soon. Not to mention funny comments for you.

So, K, what is it going to be today? --Oh, surprise me. --This is the same martini I order every time I come here. --Yeah, but tonight it'll cost you $12. --Surprise!

--Wait, didn't you use to go out with Bruce? --No, that was Pete. Bruce was the one that I made out with. Pete was the guy I dated before I went out with Jake, who was Bruce's roommate and went out with Kate, the girl who stole my ex-boyfriend. --See, that's why I like it when my married friends tell me stories. There's a lot less characters to keep track of.

Hey didn't you use to work at this bar on the Plaza? --Yeah, I quit that place. The crowd there was way too attractive. --How is that a problem? --They needed less drinks to make the people around them look good. Less drinks mean less tips for me. --Dude, you're going to make some mad cash tonight.

B, you know Photoshop, right? So have you ever used it to remove someone's physical flaws in a picture? --Sure. --It would be great to have something like that for when you're out, huh? --I see where you're going with this. --Here's to tequila... --...Nature's Photoshop.

I have a great idea to make people at this bar more attractive. -- One that doesn't involve free drinks? -- Yeah. --What's all that noise? -- An orgy just broke out.

K, do you see what you did? You turned off the lights and started an orgy. We better get out of here before we get sucked into this. Right? K? You know, I'll just wait for you outside.

The weirdest thing has been happening to me lately. Every time I turn the radio on, the SAME song is playing. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe you're crazy. Probably.

I just came back from the weirdest bar. I swear I saw Elvis there. And Tupac. And Kurt Cobain. --Why didn't you stay there? --Are you kidding me? That place was dead.

--Hey, can you set me up with your friend K? --No way. You're two sensitive for her. That girl only has two emotions: smartass and hungry. --Those aren't emotions. --Oh man. It's worse than I thought.

I hate guys that get behind me when I'm dancing. So I farted on him. -- I thought girls didn't fart. -- Oh no. We save it for times like those.

K, were you just trying to pull a 'do you know who I am' with the bartender? I'm on the paper! That's gotta be worth at least a drink or two. I'm sorry, but this doesn't look anything like you. Next time, I'm drawing.

Holy @#$%! We're in the newspaper! Uh oh. Do I have to start behaving now? No, but I think you have to stop cursing. Otherwise I probably have to use those symbols when you do. I noticed. I hate these #$@&$ things.

That's right. The Kansas City Star has recently debuted K City on their weekly Preview section, and will be running selected strips (in color!) at least through the end of September. Download a PDF of the premiere of K City in print if you missed it.

Hey can I buy you a drink? No, I already have one. Here's seven bucks then. Just take it, and then it's just like I bought you that martini. Wow. I had never seen a girl throw a drink in someone's face in real life.

So on my comic strip, am I the Calvin to your Hobbes or is it the other way around? Actually, I always thought of you as the Snarf to my Lyon-O. Fine, I guess you could be Cheetara. Sweet.

Ok, so despite what happened four months ago, tonight I'm going out with Cory again. It's part of the 'try everything twice' initiative. Show me one girl who actually enjoyed the first time she had sex. Exactly.

We dated for a while. Actually, it wasn't quite dating. It was more like a month-long collaborative process of trying to keep the day we woke up together as far away as possible as the day we would inevitably hate each other's guts.

This is the weirdest goodbye party. Half of the people turned out because they'll miss the woman when she leaves, and the other half is here to celebrate the fact she's going away. So why are YOU here? They have REALLY good drink specials tonight.

So, wait, you're dating a chick who doesn't like you? Hates me. My guess is, she's figured out how hard it is to find single people in this town. And maybe she's thinking, if you're waiting until you find someone you love, you're never going to go out with anyone.

Come on, you know how it goes; <br />the moment you figure out someone likes you, then the mystery is all gone.

Dude, check out that guy... seriously, who wears a bluetooth headset on their ear while at a friggin' bar? Well, I guess it is easier than writing 'i'm a douchebag' on your own forehead before going out.

So how did the weekend with your boy from out of town go? Ah it was great. We drank, we laughed, we did things I'm totally ashamed of. It was like we were in Las Vegas!

So K, do you have big plans for this weekend? Yeah, this guy I met in St. Louis is coming to see me.

So what's the big deal? I have a crush on that girl. Fine. Whatever. Everyone that met her that night left with a crush on her. Even you.

Let me tell you, I think it's so fun that you got a crush on that girl at the bar earlier tonight. She. Was. Great.

Hey, have you heard of this speed dating thing? Oh yeah, I invented that.

See, I'm all about playing hard to get. I do it myself. All the time.

Hey, I think I'll draw a strip with four panels today. So we can talk more? Exactly.

I'm thinking of starting a dating advice column. Who would want dating advice from a girl who can't keep a boyfriend for a week?

Have you heard of this movie 'Snakes on a Plane?' It's two of the scariest things in the world, together!

You know, I'm actually missing the days when getting a second date was harder than getting a first date.

You know I used to LOVE sending people on blind dates. Today you can go online and learn everything about a person. What they look like, what they listen to, what they're interested in...

Do you ever drunk dial your ex-girlfriends? Oh, yeah but very rarely.

I don't know about you, but I hate daylight saving time. For starters, you lose a full hour of your weekend.

Why don't our relationships ever last? Because we don't get attracted to people; we get attracted to their potential.

we spent the weekend hitting the bars... then this morning they all hit back

Are you thinking a boyfriend would help you through a time like this? No. I'm saying a boyfriend would give me someone to blame it all on

Why are you smiling? The bartender gave me her number.

I don't think it's going to happen. You know, religious differences and all

A beautiful woman and butt-ugly handwriting. Tell me that isn't the most cruel combination ever.

You get more guys' numbers than guys get yours. Yet you never call any of them.

Those two chicks who look like each other, except one's fat and one is skinny. Oh yeah, Before and After!

Oh crap. My boss is here. You'll have to be my escapegoat. Isn't the word scapegoat?

What can I say, I'm a traditionalist: no sex before the third date; no drama before the fifth.

You look really familiar... What do you do?

And that's why I'm never dating an arsonist again!

Tell your mom to be on the lookout for a box of some very trendy oversized sunglasses.

For starters, her boobs are bigger than your head.

Have you ever thought that the problem with being single in Kansas City might be, well, you?

There's an internet cafe around the corner, right?